Call My Husband. I'm Busy Making Millions.

Studies have found that most non-heterosexual couples choose to share household and parenting responsibilities equally.

Unfortunately, the rest of the world is slow to catch on to that very positive behavior.

For example, my relationship with my husband is considered “non-traditional.”

Well, according to bullshit heterosexual gender norms.

I’m the primary breadwinner for my family. I run an 8-figure company and bring home the bacon. I make sure that we’ve got plenty of cash to cover all the bills, take nice vacations, give back to charities, and prepare for the future.

My husband Dediako is the primary household manager. He stays at home with our kids, makes sure they get to school, and takes care of getting what they need for their after-school activities. He keeps everything running smoothly at home so that I can focus on my work.

I’m the CEO (Chief Executive Officer) and he’s the CHO (Chief Home Officer). This division of labor works really well for us.

It’s also becoming increasingly common in other heterosexual cisgender couples (and I LOVE to see it.) Among married, heterosexual couples in the United States, 25% of wives are the primary breadwinner — bringing in the majority of their household income. Back in 1960, it was just 6%.

Millions of moms are the money-engines of their homes.

However, many people still can’t seem to understand this type of arrangement.

In our society, people are conditioned to “ask the woman/mom first” whenever there’s a question related to children, parenting, education, the home, or anything that is perceived as stereotypically feminine.

And for us moms, this literally leads to a reduction in our happiness.

Research from the Institute for Family Studies shows that women who earn more than their husbands report “lower satisfaction” and pay a “happiness penalty” compared to women who earn less.

Why? Because we’re exhausted from working all day long, trying to concentrate on generating money, while being pestered with piddly nonsense from school administrators, PTAs, and other groups who can’t seem to fathom that they’re supposed to text dad instead.

Honestly, I’m sick of all this.

And, thankfully, I’m not alone.

Recently, Dr. Raina Brands posted a rant on Twitter about this exact issue:

“Our son has been in daycare since the beginning of the year. If he is sick and needs to come home early, they call me. If they want to give him paracetamol, they call me. If he has injured himself they call me.”

They do this, despite Dr. Brands and her partner repeatedly explaining, “Please call dad first.”

Exasperated, Dr. Brands adds:

“They are incapable of viewing him [dad] as a primary caregiver,” even though, ironically, he’s the one who “filled out all of the forms, did all of the settling-in sessions, and drops [their] son off every morning.”

What can we do about this?

Shifting the perspective of an entire society can take a long time. But, there are steps we can take to speed the process along.

In celebration of Gender Equality Month, here are a few do’s and don’ts that you can implement today to help create the balance we need.

Do actually listen.

When dad says, “Make me the primary contact,” actually listen and do that.

Don’t make assumptions.

Don’t make assumptions based on your inherent biases about moms, dads (or parents/guardians/caregivers of any gender identity) and their roles in the household.

Do set boundaries and enforce them.

A boundary is pretty much worthless unless you actually enforce it.

If you’re a woman, and someone constantly texts you with urgent questions (despite being asked not to) don’t cave in and reply. Hold that boundary.

Send a quick message to say, “These are great questions! Please direct all of your q’s to my [husband/partner/spouse/whomever] like we discussed previously. Thank you.”

Then flip your phone to Airplane Mode. Make yourself unavailable, and don’t compromise on that boundary.

Don’t congratulate dads for doing the bare minimum.

It’s so common for people to act like the sky is falling when they see a dad taking on any regular parenting responsibility.

Seeing a dad changing a diaper or pushing a stroller is often met with squeals of, “Oh my gosh! He’s amazing. What a superhero.”

Hate to break it to ya, but dads doing dad things isn’t the astronomical feat you think it is. Would you give your goldfish a medal for swimming?? I didn’t think so.

We have to stop reinforcing the idea that it’s “so unusual” to see a dad being a caregiver.

If you want to congratulate a great dad who goes above and beyond for his family, no problem. But make sure you also congratulate the great mom who’s no doubt holding it down with him.

Do tell your story.

If you’re a bread-winning mom or home-managing dad, tell your story. Talk to friends. Discuss the choices you’re making, what works for your family, and why.

The more we talk openly about this, the more we can normalize these decisions. #NormalizeMillionaireMoms #NormalizeStayAtHomeDads

I won’t pretend to have every single answer on how to correct this societal problem, but those steps are a great place to start.

xo,

Rachel